Ah, it has begun! The warmer weather has approached us a little earlier on than normal. While that may be an issue for us to worry about, we can do that later! For now, it’s time for all the babes to bring out those sexy bikinis! What better way to kick it off than Cinco De Mayo? I’m sure some of you DWEEBS out there would say “What about May 4th?” To which I would reply, “Enjoy being indoors at Comicon loser. Also MAY THE FOURTH BE WITH YOU.” Don’t worry, I love my nerds, with or without the revenge! For now, I think we can all agree that boobies bound by bitty cutouts of coverings MAY do the job. Especially, when those boobs are perfectly sprinkled with margarita salt? Need I say more? Of course, I do! That’s what I’m here for. It’s Sexy Swimsuit Season!
Your local beaches are about to be swarmed this weekend. And yes, I’m sure the festivities will kick off this lovely holiday before Sunday begins. Do you have work to get done? PUSH IT. The Sexy Spring Babes that come out pre-official Summer haven’t been “working to get their bods ready.” They’ve always been ready. There is no downtime with the chicks you are about to see first. While they were born for Sexy Swimsuit Season, they also LIVE for it. There will be a rainbow of colors and patterns about to sweep your eyeballs come Saturday. The best part is how little of it there will be. Skimpy suits will surround you. Get your wallets ready to buy some drinks. They will most certainly need to cool off, getting golden all day in the sun.
If you tend to be a jaw-dropping goober, get your shit together. These ladies will sus you out from a mile away, under the waves, with no goggles on. However, If you’re a peeping tom, then go right ahead. It’s your job to watch be a creep. Is it not? For the rest of you, try to be cool, remain calm, and carry on with a non-cringey smile with you when appropriate. It’s going to be hard, but don’t be an eager beaver. You want her beaver to be eager, right? If you want to be serving her your famous HUEVOS Rancheros in the morning, dial it down a notch, bud.
I’m not talking about getting rid of that beer belly. It’s too late for that during this season. What I’m trying to say is that having a boat helps. Don’t have one? Rent one! It might be cheaper than an escort, and you might get more than one lady who wants a ride, Captain. Also, you’ll be out on the water. It’s the implication…that you’ll have a swell ol’ time of course. Be sure to pack booze and snacks. These hard bodies need their protein! That’s all for now. May the fourth be with you, AND ALSO WITH YOU.
Dreaming of barely-there bikinis?
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