She Wasn’t Mine to Want: A Forbidden Love Affair That Changed Everything

I never thought I’d fall for a woman—let alone her

She was everything I wasn’t supposed to want: married, older, mysterious. She moved through areas with an assured demeanor, which indicated she required no permission to enter any area because she had already discovered all aspects of existence. I maintained a position of curiosity while being cautious, and I followed all established rules. But desire doesn’t care about your rules. It shows up uninvited, at the most inconvenient times, wearing lipstick and a coy smile. We met through friends. She was someone’s wife, someone’s sister, someone’s secret. I initially found her attractive from afar because of her laughter, her wine glass grip, and her deep sense of self-assurance in her speech. I told myself it was nothing. Just fascination. A harmless little crush I could keep locked away. I wasn’t looking for a forbidden love affair.

But some things don’t want to be caged, and some love is meant to break the rules

The weekend retreat began at a small cabin in the forest, which was supposed to be our escape from city life, with all six of us.  We shared the same room because it was supposed to be a bonding experience. Even though it was not our initial plan, that night we were alone, there was a bed between us. Two bottles of wine. A playlist was played at such a low volume that we needed to move closer to hear the music.

I recall the instant when everything changed. She brushed my hair behind my ear, too deliberate to be casual. Her fingers lingered on my neck. I remained still because I wanted it, dreamed about it, so much that I felt like I would burst. “You’ve been looking at me all night,” she said, voice husky. I swallowed. “You’ve been looking back.” She didn’t hesitate. She approached me, and our lips touched with the same comfort that would have been normal if we had kissed numerous times in a past existence. Soft at first. Then deeper. Hungrier.

The air between us cracked.

Our bodies expressed forbidden words through physical movements during that evening. Unspoken desire given voice. I treated all my interactions with her as purposeful attempts to test our capabilities. Every moan is a confession. She kissed me with the same force that she required to eliminate all memories of our past. I touched her body as if I wanted to make sure I remembered something that I should not have touched. She viewed me differently after the act of sex. Like she saw me. Really saw me.

That evening, we started our secret romantic connection.

The following weeks brought us stolen time and concealed messages, and clandestine hotel encounters. She’d show up at my apartment in the middle of the day, all perfume and urgency. We would fall into each other as if we were famished. I told myself not to fall in love. She was completely out of reach. We maintained our defensive position in this forbidden love affair until we lost our ability to defend. It only takes one mistake. A forgotten earring. A scent that lingers. A smile that continues for an extended time in a crowded area.

Her wife discovered the truth about her deception.

The ghosting that followed became more intense than any noise I had ever heard before. I lost her. Of course I did. The world we live in wasn’t built for us. Not like this. She went back to her life, and I stayed in mine, but I was never the same. You don’t come out of a forbidden love affair untouched. It marks you. The fire leaves an indelible mark on your memory that stays with you like the persistent smell of smoke on clothing.

I occasionally think about her during my free time. How she said my name in the blackness of the room. The curve of her back under my hands. Our short encounter with something that cannot be reached makes its impossible state easier to accept. I never was with her again, but I’d love to relive those memories of our passionate encounters with you. I love roleplay fantasy, give me a call!

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