Naughty Sexy Words: The Joys of the British English Language

Let’s talk about sex, profanity, insults and body parts with Professor Emily. 

There are so many similarities yet so many differences between us Brits and our friends across The Pond. The Canadians meet us somewhere in the middle, but you Americans…. oh dear! We say tom-ar-toe, you say tom-ay-toe. Shall we just call the whole thing off?  Let’s just say a bottom is an arse, not an ass. An ass is an idiot or from Olde English, a donkey. Maybe I’m 250 years too late to the table but you get my drift. There are naughty sexy words in every language but I think us Brits have some of the funniest!

We may have a common language but there’s definitely a little confusion. And that’s not just with British English -v- Canada/USA. Go to Scotland and ask for a Glaswegian kiss – go on, I dare you… And if you do, the Welsh will call you a pen pidyn (prick) for doing so. 

We’re talking naughty sexy words and then there’s downright filth…  

Remember the last time you got absolutely bolloxed/pissed/smashed/hammered/rat-arsed (aka drunk)? You and your mates put on your beer-goggles, played grab-a-granny and snogged anything that moved? And then what did you do? You picked the bird with a face like a slapped arse, who’d had more pricks (cock, but also an idiot) than a second-hand dartboard. Then you took her home and shagged the shite out of her, you filthy little fucker?

You may have heard some of these naughty sexy words and phrases, especially if you watch Brit TV or they may be obvious – shite is brown and stinks! But us Brits, and the English in particular, love to educate. We feel the need to remind you that WE are the ones that speak “proper” English. Well, maybe not your average Geordie or Brummie but RP (received pronunciation) is definitely what we would class as the correct way to speak – clear, sharp and precise with no regional markers. Think upper classes and old-school BBC. And “cunt” sounds so much better in RP than in a Cockney accent. The former is much more cutting and abrupt while the latter is slightly elongated and, although crude, softens at the end. 

Cunt is a word we use a lot. 

Naughty sexy words and insults for women include, slag, scrubber, slapper (both similar to slut), floozy, strumpet whore and harlot (the last two are a little old-fashioned). 

Jugs, knockers and Bristols are bouncing bosoms. Tits but rarely titties. Clitty seems immature: we say it clear and precise. Clit. Or, clit-or-is. NOT clitor-is. Snatch, gash, piss flaps, box all mean pussy. Minge is a cruder word. “Minging” (ming-ing) is related and vulgar slang meaning extremely dirty, smelly, or repulsive. Quim: 17th century, highly offensive and vulgar term for vagina or vulva. A queef is a fanny fart. And my twat, you silly twat, is a TWAT! Not a twaaar (like trois or three in French) the way some of you Americans pronounce it. Short and sharp again. Think hat, bat, cat but with received pronunciation. And then there’s that fabulous word, CUNT. Like you, we use it as an insult, when no other word is appropriate. We use it also as a jokey ‘almost-ish” term of endearment. And of course a cunt is a fanny. Yes, a FANNY. That’s a pussy not an arse. 

As for men and “men”…   

A “pillock” is an annoying little “get” or “git”. It’s originally mid-16th century slang for penis (aka knob). And that leads me to knobhead, dickhead, bell-end. All of these naughty sexy words are really only used to insult men. Tosser and wanker – you boys love to toss off, don’t you? Wanking your “meat and two veg”.

You’re forever pulling your dick/wang/tadger/todger/plonker (plonker is a mild insult too) and playing with your bollocks/knackers. We might also say “that’s a load of old bollocks”, meaning it’s rubbish (which usually means trash but in this instance, means nonsense). Whereas “the dogs bollocks”, means something is absolutely amazing. “Knackers” is a slang term most commonly used as a vulgar noun for testicles. It’s also the plural form of “knacker,” a person who buys and slaughters worn-out horses – hence, knackers yard. Knackered is also a slightly rude word for being exhausted. And there’s no such thing as a taint – it’s a perineum! From scrotum we get scrote – a nasty dickhead/tosspot. As for cum, that’s spunk or jizz (from jism).

A sissy is a cissy or a fairy and a “big girl’s blouse” is a wuss. A French Maid cuckold is a wittol (not French but a cuck all the same).

And btw you wet nappy-wearers – it’s a wee but we do say pee and it’s definitely a willy not a weiner. Having a slash is also peeing. 

There’s naughty sexy words for boys that like boys and girls that like girls. 

Oh bugger (that’s oh gosh, but slightly naughtier), let’s talk buggery, you silly little bugger (you naughty/cheeky little thing). If you’re bent, a poof or a poofter (insult for a gay male) you’ll love mincing around and cottaging in the park. I’m sure you’ll bend over and take it in your ring-piece, you bender/arse bandit. As for those luscious ladies that like to play together, what better than a bit of muff diving or tipping the velvet. Both cunnilingus but the latter a more poetic 19th century version.

As for actually “doing the business”, we’ve got shagging, bonking, having it off and frigging. Giving her a backshot is doggy-style, taking it in the back-alley is “up your bum” and less common for the snooker players among us, potting the pink or brown needs no explanation. And talking of anal – it’s definitely much less common between heterosexuals in the UK than in the USA.

So, we’ve ascertained that there are naughty sexy words and filthy words but what about strange and amusing ones? 

I’d like to end with some rather amusing English place names. Nobody does it quite like us. But first, a little Cockney rhyming slang. A bit of info: Cockney is a dialect spoken by East Londoners from working-class and lower-middle-class families. The term Cockney is also used as a demonym for a person from London’s East End, traditionally, born within earshot of Bow Bells (the Church of St Mary-le-Bow founded 1000 years ago – and a history lesson too).

Cockney rhyming slang relies on substituting common words with two or three-word phrases where the final word is an insult or bodily reference. To use it like a true East Ender, you usually drop the rhyming word entirely (e.g., calling someone a “Berk” from “Berkshire Hunt”, which means “cunt”). To complicate that, it’s actually pronounced “bark” and “bark-sher” – the “sher” bit is short and sharp again, more “sha” than “Cher” and definitely not “shire”. Remember that sauce is “Wus-ter-sha” not “Wor-cest-er-shire”. But a berk is also a berk and not a bark and means you’re an idiot. Back to knackers again: they are your Cream Crackers (a cracker biscuit but also a man’s tackle). A Raspberry Ripple (ice cream favour) is more obvious – it’s a nipple! Bristol City – titty.

Finally, those place names I mentioned, just a few and in no particular order: Cockermouth; Brokenwind; Fingringhoe; Bell End; Penistone; Sandy Balls; Fartown; Cocks; Titty Hill; Sluts Hole Lane; Scratchy Bottom and last but not least, Shitterton.

So, now you have the knowledge, cum and test your naughty sexy words on me. If you dare…

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