What is this difference between me and a traditional Vamp? Simple really! While I, of course, pursue all of the traditional requirements passed down from my ancestors, Hallow’s Eve is when I become supercharged! Basically, my specific vampiric lineage calls for a blood buffet on this particular evening. Who the fuck needs candy! Aside from consuming my tasty treats the whole night through, this gluttonous evening ends with a bang! Who can have sex on such a full stomach you may ask? Me, of course. The best part about your blood bags is no carbs. It’s just science, you silly humans! Some vamps like to get their fill on boozed-up jerks leaving the pub and some would they need to join V.A.A., but that’s their business. My taste is a little different. A Halloween Sex Vampiress can be a Picky Eater.
Late-night diners can be the perfect vamp-tizer for a demon like myself. Italian boys are easy on the eyes, but they reek of garlic. Too much seasoning! In human terms, I’m looking for some fresh V8, not the whole goddamn bloody mary! A chef with an allium allergy, now we’re talking. A Halloween Sex Vampiress can be low-maintenance! However, Hindus are the crème de la crème, no garlic, and you never have to worry about a fucking crucifix around their neck (Sizzle sound.) Fuck! Ouch, can’t say the C word! Sometimes the life of a vampire can be a real cunt. Anyway, you get the picture. I have a sensitive palate.
Mmmm, the Athlete Going for the Night Run. I love waiting until he finishes his 10 miles. I can hear his clean, juicy heart beating from a town away. Pounding and pushing all that delicious V-juice, and it’s all for me! Slosh this way, sweet prince. I quickly appear before him, lifting his chin to stare at those beet-red cheeks. His pulse vibrates across my fingertips as I… wait let me sharpen my fangs…there we go. Where was I? Oh, As I sink my FACE DAGGERS into his neck, plunging myself into his body, allowing his heart to do all the heavy lifting! Blood sprays into my mouth like it’s my own personal Gore Splash Moutain and now I’m ready for a nap! I always sleep with an SPF of 10,000. You can never be too careful.
After I’m well and rested, it’s time for the fuck fest to begin! Those bloody palate cleansers were a good time, but nothing like the showdown that is about to commence. Now that I am fully charged, I will float down to the dungeon where I keep the glamour squad. No that isn’t a Bravo TV makeup show, it’s better! All the men I glamoured over the past year have been programmed to exercise, hydrate, and consume a diet tailored to each of them. Ever heard of a Charcuterie board? Well, this is my fucking chef’s tasting and I killed it. While I simultaneously feast on all of them, I will also fuck each and everyone, draining them in every way possible. After my night has concluded, this Halloween sex vampiress will slip back into the forest and have a chat with the devil. “Hello Darkness my old friend…”
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