ROLLER DERBY FETISH PHONE SEX

Do you have a roller derby fetish?

If you have a roller derby fetish, I’m going to take you trackside with me. Be careful to stay outside the red tape during the match. You don’t want the refs to have to kick you out before the girls even start to sweat, do you? Time to behave yourself. What turns me on about roller derby is that it tends to attract what society might deem “badly behaved” women. That is, confident, assertive, aggressive, witty, dynamic, and tough ladies. The kind of “girls” who could probably beat your ass. Just stand back, ok?

Have you ever been to a roller derby match? Or did Whip It just give you a hard-on? There’s an in-your-face, kitschy, over-the-top sexual prowess-type and oh-so-performative grandeur about roller derby girls. Their outfits are provocative and intimidating, and I LOVE reading all their raunchy, irreverent stage names while waiting for the first jam to begin. Last weekend, I went to a friend’s girlfriend match and the titillating thrill of watching the players whir around the track has been playing on repeat in my (horny, roller derby fetish) mind.

The power your roller derby fetish has over you is all-consuming, full-body, and visceral.

Which is EXACTLY the type of sport roller derby is, actually. There’s no “ball” (or anything even resembling phallogocentric sports apparatuses), just women’s bodies in full-on contact with each other. I love WILD games with specific rules. The more clear the parameters, the more unbridled the possible fun. Basically, a roller derby match consists of two 30-minute periods, each broken up into two-minute “jams.”

If you already have a roller derby fetish, you probably know points are scored by the “jammer” passing the other players on the track, who are called “blockers.” Usually during each “jam,” the Jammer is switched out, i.e. there is a rotation among these sexy lady athletes for who scores the points and makes the crowd go wildest. Well, usually, at least. Something that gets me wet about roller derby is the profound amount of teamwork required. Can you imagine anything sexier than a dozen ladies working together to wrestle another dozen ladies all while scantily clad and on quad skates? I certainly can’t!

I might have developed a roller derby fetish while watching my best friend’s girlfriend as lead Jammer last weekend.

When the ref blows the whistle to begin one of the two-minute “jams,” both Jammers shoot out of the pack like femme fatale, Amazonian rockets. Whoever passes the other team’s Blockers first becomes the Lead Jammer. As my best friend and I watched her girlfriend become Lead Jammer each time she was speeding around the track, she whispered in my ear: “She gives me her dirty panties after every match right afterward.”

Imagine if you had a smelly sock fetish and a roller derby girl was your girlfriend. Maybe you already have. If not, let’s imagine it together. I do love roller skating, and I even own my own pair. Does that get your roller derby fetish juices going? In fact, they’re right here, already on my feet. Time to pick up the phone and call me. What are you waiting for?

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