“It’s the big day!” I wake up early because I have a long day ahead of me. Stuffing, gravy, mash, and a Turkey of course! I did make the pie in advance because I’m not an idiot. A few other sides were done beforehand as well, but none of it will matter as I come back to check on the oven’s preheating to realize…I’m fucked. It’s broken! On Turkey Day of all days!! What the actual fuck! I look at my boyfriend and say “Chinese?” We call to put in an order only to get a voicemail “Sorry, we burn down.” I hang up, look at the boyf, and say “I guess we’re going to the oyster bar down the street.” This is the beginning of how the Thanksgiving Sex Tape came to be.
Oysters on this day and not in the stuffing? It felt taboo, but we were on a mission to be fed and have some booze! Although I truly enjoy making this multi-course smorgasbord and more importantly the never-ending praise that accompanies it, kicking back sounded nice. We walked a short little walk to the bar, We pulled out our barstools and sat. “What can I get for ya?” The bartender’s words, so glorious, so needed, after the morning disaster. “We’ll have two Chicago handshakes.” That my friends, was the match that lit the fire of what would become the Thanksgiving Sex Tape. Malört is only a good idea when there isn’t a special occasion. Today was special AND we had to make ourselves feel better! WE HAD TO! So Malort it was. We knocked our heads back until we lost count, then gobbled down oysters to soak em’ all up.
My boyfriend and I, are now at the perfect level of happiness and the ideal combination of drunk/horny (thank you oysters!) We skipped and stumbled back to the house finally making our way to our cozy couch. “Let’s light a fire!” My boyfriends exclaimed. To which I respond, “Fuck yes I want a fire!” So we’re now cozy, toasty (in more ways than one) and feeling pretty, prettyyyyy, GOOD. We snuggle with nothing to do, but relax. Then hands begin to move, and sighs begin to start and “Hey…should we like…record this?” He asked. “Hmmmm. Well why the fuck not?” I said back to him smiling like a little bit of a lunatic. “But wait, can we turn the parade on? I have it recorded on the DV-R!” I asked. “Sure, why not?” My boyfriend said smiling back to me, ready to ravage me like the holiday beast he is!
There was kissing and the sweet sounds of Al Roker’s voice in the background. It hasn’t changed a bit since 1995. There is nothing like sex and nostalgia! My man carressed me, as he slid a stuffed date into my mouth. “Delicious babe.” I said kissing him. I always let him make that one item so he feels like he participated, but we all know better. It didn’t matter because things were beginning to heat up. His talent doesn’t lie in the kitchen, but between my legs! “OH MY GODDDDD!” I cried out from the deepest parts of my lungs. Who needs sexy tv shows when you’ve got Roker and snacks? After my boyfriend had his, ahem, first course, we went straight to pleasure town. He was about to reveal Santa at the end of the parade so I grabbed the pie and smashed it into his face. Happy Holidays!
Looking for a fun time this holiday season? I’m the fantasy phone sex vixen of your dreams.
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