Spring Cleaning Pervert: Out With the Old, In With the New!

Spring Cleaning Pervert.

It’s that time of year!  “Out with the old!” as they say. Just last week, I was on a roll, cleaning every bit of my apartment from top to bottom, in and out. I ended my spree by cleaning out my panty drawer. I wanted that to be the last thing so I could see what was left over and enjoy an online shopping spree to replace, obvi. It was time to kick back on my laptop when I heard some odd movement outside. It will still daytime, by the way. I went outside, reluctantly (I was really enjoying my negroni buzz until I was rudely interrupted). I got to my trash, only to find a man, digging deep, stealing all of my panties! “What are you doing???” I said screaming while grabbing him! What would  I do with this Spring cleaning pervert!

I Dragged Him Inside Along With His Trash Booty.

“You’re a panty pirate aren’t you?” I said, laughing somewhat maniacally. In shock from being caught, naturally, he became fully erect.  “Let’s see your little treasure grab, shall we?” I pointed to the bag, making him dump it upside down, all over my sunroom floor.”That’s right. SHAKE IT ALLL OUT. Ok, lots of panties. That’s clearly what your main goal was, you Spring cleaning pervert.” His face turned from shock to bliss, and of course the boner remained. “You wanted my old toothbrush, not one, but 4 empty yogurt cups…I won’t ask. Also, a comb. Are you just collecting all of my DNA or something???” He finally spoke “No.” However, I could have just given him some sick idea.

What Else, What Else? What Else Did The Spring Cleaning Pervert Take?

“Wait, a pair of my shoes? These are new!!! Did you grab these on your way in right now? Let’s keep looking. OK, clearly, you just took seven pairs of new shoes without me looking. I honestly might be more impressed than angry about that. OK, my broken nail clippers are in here. Should I go back to questioning you about stealing my DNA, Mr. Weird Science? No, you aren’t nerdy enough. You are also way too willing to get caught. Interesting. Aw, you kept my old poem book?  I didn’t think it was good enough to hold onto.” He looked up and said “I think they are beautiful, like you.”

I Offered The Spring Cleaning Pervert A Shower.

“You can wear one of my exes’ shirts and boxers. You aren’t the only one who likes to keep some mementos. Hee hee.” I said laughing, even more maniacally than the first time. We laughed and laughed. He even watched me play the spoons for 2 hours! Then we watched soap operas, ate yogurt,  wrote some poetry together, brushed each other’s hair, and laughed some more.  We didn’t have sex, but I let him use the yogurt cup. Yeah, we all thought it. And that’s the story of how I dated a homeless guy for a day. Finally, for other absurd stories, check out the Shrunken Man Oscars. And remember, don’t stay out of my trash! Call me and we’ll let our imaginations run wild!

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