A corporate pig wandered into my practice today. At first, I thought this would be the perfect opportunity to get a bit of revenge on one of the corporate overloads that can make modern life so difficult.
But maybe teaching this little piggy about the joys of surrender is a better use of my time.
It was a beautiful sunny day when Mr. Marx came into my relaxation practice. Before he could open his mouth I could tell that this man is stressed out. I took him into my office to see how I could help him.
Sitting in my office Mr. Marx started telling me about his life and work situation. Mr. Marx is a corporate raider. A senior vice president at Vulture Capital Partners. For most of his career, Mr. Marx had been obsessed with profits and productivity. He spends his days rooting around spreadsheets looking for ways to squeeze more productivity from his underlings and profits from the businesses that he oversees.
And now, the chickens are coming home to roost. The stress of his job was making his life miserable. Now, he was hoping that my cutting edge relaxation techniques could bring him some much needed relief.
As Mr. Marx told me about his job and his issues I found myself thinking, “No wonder this guy looks like a pig. He works vultures.”
I decided to take Mr. Marx on as a client. We spent the next 45-minutes going over different relaxation techniques that would help. Before his session ended, I had Mr. Marx download my special relaxation app. With instructions to use it every time he felt stressed out.
Mr. Marx, the corporate pig, went back to work the next day. Every time he felt stressed out he opened my app and listened to my honey coated voice giving him relaxing words of affirmation. Along with mediation and deep breathing exercises designed to relax his body and mind.
The first week of using the app was pretty much what Mr. Marx expected. And while the app did help his stress levels, it wasn’t quite what he was expecting. Being the kind of corporate pig that is used to getting instant results, Mr. Marx was expecting this app to give him instant stress relief.
Mr. Marx called me after that first week, filled with the kind of entitlement that you only get from the wealthy and out of touch. I calmed him down saying that the first week of the app was just setting a baseline for things to come and to give it another week to start to feel more significant results to surface.
It was the second week of using the app where things started changing for the corporate pig, Mr. Marx.
After hearing affirmations like “rest is more valuable than ambition”, “deadlines cause unnecessary stress” and “simplicity is happiness”, Mr. Marx started noticing changes in his behavior. His urge to be glued to his email was fading away. He noticed that he began thinking of his success in terms of time that he spent relaxing on his own instead of dollars and cents. Mr. Marx started leaving his office at 5pm with the rest of the office instead of working late into the evening.
The third week of using the app, Mr. Marx noticed that his body was feeling more relaxed. Affirmations like, “I deserve comfort before achievement”, and “the most important task is being present”, would cause his shoulders to soften, tension would leave his back and he would find himself looking out of his office window day dreaming about naps instead of obsessing over spreadsheets.
Sometimes, he thought the affirmations were strange. What was he supposed to do with things like “success is overrated. satisfaction is what matters” or “Comfort is a wise investment”? Still the affirmations were working and Mr. Marx was more relaxed by the day.
Mr. Marx has been using my relaxation app for about a month now. He started noticing changes in his body and how he ate. For his entire adult life, Mr. Marx had been the kind of man that worked out and watched what he ate. But now, he found himself craving and enjoying fast, food, cookies, cakes, and pies without a care about a care in the world about his waistline.
One morning, Mr. Marx woke up itchy at the small of his back, right above his ass crack. He walked into his bathroom, pulled down his boxers and screamed. Shock washed over him as a curly pig tail began protruding from his backside
Mr. Marx broke into a cold sweat as he ran his hand over his face. He could feel that the texture of his skin had changed. His face felt different. He looked into the mirror and let out a horrified scream. His nose looked like a pig snout, and his ears were floppy triangles. Mr. Marx screamed again, only this time a piggy squeal erupted from his mouth.
Mr. Marx ran to his drawer and found an old COVID mask to cover his face with. He didn’t want anyone to see that he was turning into a pig. Mr. Marx called me from his car in a panic. He said that something was terribly wrong and I needed to fix it ASAP.
Mr. Marx ran into my office panicked. Even before he took off his mask, I could see the changes in his body. His once trim stomach was bulging against the his sweatshirt. His sweatshirt no longer when down to his waistline and I could see the soft, pale, pig belly underneath.
Between gasps, oinks and squeals, Mr. Marx explained that he woke up this morning with a pig tail and a snout. And that he thinks that the app had something to do with it.
I smiled. Yes, I confirmed, the app is part of the transformation that he was experiencing. But I didn’t understand what the problem was. Wasn’t he feeling better? He had already reported that he was more relaxed, less stressed-out, more comfortable in his own skin, and overall a happier person.
Instead of fighting his transformation, I decided that it was time that Mr. Marx needed to embrace his new life as my pet pig. I took Mr. Marx into my office and sat him down in the sofa. Telling him that I was going to make him a drink to calm him down.
By this time, Mr. Marx’s fingers were beginning to become hooves, and he couldn’t hold the glass on his own. I helped him with his drink, and he started to calm down and feel into a fitful piggy sleep.
When Mr. Marx woke up, he had fully transformed into a pig. I could see the distress in his eyes when he woke up. But I put his head in my lap and scratched him behind his ear, and under his chin to calm him down. Then I gave him an apple as a treat.
It’s been over a month since Mr. Marx came to live with me. And I can report that he is much happier taking naps and getting belly rubs. The corporate raider from Vulture Capital doesn’t think about business, stress or success anymore. Now he is content to nuzzle his face against the softness of my nude nylons when he settles in for a nap under my desk.
Sometimes, learning to surrender is the best way to find happiness.
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