The Giantess Witch Brigade: Watch Out For Those Love Bombs!

The Giantess Witch Brigade.

 Your Bimbocore Summer is out and sexy Fall is officially, in. There is a group of special ladies, deep in the forest who are finally coming out to play. They will be done with you before the trees are even close to being bare. They will eat the bimbos for brunch and make room for the black-booted bevy of brunettes to make their way, mauve lipstick in hand. These dark-hearted babes will lure you back home…your new one, of course. Deep within the trees, tucked away from the heart of civilization. Basically, you city boys will never be able to find your way out. Your silly smartphones won’t work here. You would have to know the land by heart. Meaning you were born here, or the memories are implants. Unlucky for you, neither will apply. You will, however, be sure to meet the Giantess Witch Brigade.

You’ll be Enjoying a Stroll Through the City.

You stop for a coffee and open the app that allows you to come once a week (maybe.) Come in a woman, not in your hand, by the way. You’re a typical “Let’s fucking go” bro who was one step away from brain damage via alcohol abuse in college. You’ve managed to tone it down, but you still enjoy being a dick. Deep down, you secretly love Fall. It’s the one piece of true information about yourself your Bumble date will get later. “Fall is the greatest season, duh.” What you need to realize is that you have been had. It’s a setup and not a good one. She’s one of the many Giantess Witch Brigade minions and she’s coming for your fucking throat, dumbass. It’s your unlucky day, but you will make so many strong ladies happy and satisfied. Not that you’ve ever tried to satisfy a. single. one…bro.           

The Giantess Witch Brigade Has Been Watching You.

Access to street cams, check. The camera on your iPhone, check. Black-haired girls “Checking you out” on the train, check. However, nothing beats the real thing. A date. Kind of like hand-to-hand combat. Although, you might experience that too pretty soon. It’s just the BEST. Unfortunately, the Giantess Witch Brigade have hands that will crush you, so that battle might not be so satisfying for you, lil’ guy.  And we all know how much you love to be satisfied! A date long enough to draw out all that juicy information that will make the ladies stronger, but short enough to get the goods home. A computer hack will confuse your Uber driver, saying a real house is there, right on the side of the road. She will tell you “It’s just a real, long, driveway.” At first, you’ll think “mysterious.” A half mile in, the panic will start to set.

The Giantess Witch Brigade Will Be Waiting for You.

It’s Spooky Girl Season, fuckhead. The season you belong to is over. All of your Summer flings and beach bro meets are done and so are you. No one will really notice your absence. There will be a few missed calls with angry voicemails about why the Silverman account is behind. Then you’ll just be fired, and that will be the least of your worries. You don’t have real friends and it might not be your fault. Your personality just well, sucks. And that’s why these ladies would love to have YOU and all your secrets, for dinner. You finally have a purpose! Doesn’t that make you happy? Of course not. That really isn’t the goal here though, is it? It does mean, however, that there is one less asshole during this beautiful season and one more soul for the forest to take.

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