How to Talk Dirty: Choosing the Right Words

How to Talk Dirty: Seducing the Balcony Voyeur

Hello, naughty ones. I thought I’d tell you about one of my hottest phone calls ever today. And surprisingly, it took place during my stint as a residential concierge. Yes. Believe it or not, that gig actually helped me learn how to talk dirty. And looking back, I can’t help but feel that everything is connected in some way. But I digress. This – one of my very naughty confessions – is for lovers of voyeurism.

It started innocently enough. But it sure didn’t end that way! He’d call to report one of his neighbor’s semi-public sexcapades at least once a week. If I close my eyes, I can hear him now: “He’s doing it again,” he’d say, almost whispering like he didn’t want to be overheard. “Right on the balcony. With someone new this time.”

The way he described it made it sound like an emergency. And as a dutiful concierge, I’d tell him to call the police and provide him with the number. Then I’d patiently explain why I couldn’t do more than that.

But he kept calling, and the details got more explicit with each complaint.

I remember his voice would dip into this low murmur as he told me exactly what he was witnessing – every kiss, lick, touch, thrust, and orgasm. He even described the way his neighbor’s head tipped back like he was in a trance while his latest partner dropped to their knees to pleasure him. And by that time, Stevie Wonder could see he wasn’t just calling to complain about his horn-dog neighbor. He was getting off on what he saw, and he wanted me to know it.

How to talk dirty without actually talking dirty

One night, shortly before I started working a different shift, I decided to have some fun with the balcony voyeur. If he wanted me to listen, I figured I’d make it worth my while.

I knew I couldn’t use explicit language if I wanted to keep my job. And I figured all calls were being recorded. However, that didn’t mean I couldn’t get creative. After all, a dirty mind is a terrible thing to waste. So I used PG-13-rated language that I knew would turn him on more than I figured he already was.

That last call went something like this: “Oh no,” I said, feigning concern.

“I’m so sorry you had to witness that. Can you walk me through exactly what you saw? It’s important that I get the details right for my supervisor and the authorities.”

There was a long pause because I would usually tell him to call the police at that point and end the call. Sensing that I wanted him to continue, he began to describe how his neighbor had his latest playmate – a very busty blonde – pinned against the railing while he pounded away at her.

“I see. Well, it appears that your neighbor and his friend are unabashed exhibitionists. And I, for one, think it’s very inconsiderate of them to assume you wanted to watch them be intimate.”

I kept my tone steady all the while knowing exactly how to talk dirty to him without being uncouth.

“That must have been so distracting,” I said, letting just a touch of warmth creep into my voice. “Just to confirm, are you saying he was behind her on the balcony, and both of them were completely nude? How inappropriate! I can imagine how uncomfortable that must have made you feel.”

His breathing grew heavier as I continued to press for more details, my voice steady but subtly inviting. “Did you say she was gripping the railing, and her bare bosoms were swaying back and forth? I see. Well, that suggests he wasn’t just standing behind her, doesn’t it? And she seemed to push back against him, almost encouraging him to continue the lewd act? Oh, my. Shame on them. Shame. On. Them.”

The tension on the line was palpable as I asked for specifics. “And finally, did you say he… oh, how can I put this delicately? He  ‘finished’ on her face or somewhere else? I know these questions may be very difficult to answer, but I want to ensure I’m getting the sequence of events right. You do understand.”

How to talk dirty and tell-tale signs of success

He replied with a muffled, strangled sound before the call ended abruptly with a sharp click. And I smiled to myself, knowing exactly what that sound meant. I also wondered if he would ever look at his neighbor’s balcony the same way again.

My answer arrived the next day. I found a huge bouquet of roses and lilies waiting for me at the desk, and tucked inside was a small card with just two words: “Thank you.”

I couldn’t help but laugh. The balcony voyeur, my supervisor, or some other nosey parker obviously enjoyed that call as much as I did.

Talking dirty doesn’t have to mean being vulgar. It’s all about picking the right words. So call me, and I’ll show you how to talk dirty without uttering a single X-rated word. Or, if you prefer, we can take it as far as you want.

Are you ready?

Call Me 1-800-215-8390