Tonight my heavy metal dream girl wish came true when I finally played with a band again. Many of my callers know my penchant for punk rock and death metal, and that my own band has been on hiatus of late. I felt like one more day of not thrashing was going to drive me absolutely insane, so I replied to a friend’s message about her band seeking a new bassist. I’m still sweaty from practice, one of my favorite feelings. I think playing music is just like fucking: if you’re not breaking a sweat, you’re not doing it right.
I’ve always been a musician. I learned to read sheet music on the piano when I was learning to “regular” read, as a four-year-old. Nothing makes me feel more infinite than fingering the keys, reaching an octave and a half with just one hand. Fucking and playing instruments both require some sense of rhythm, and repetitive but passionate full-body movement. I still love to play piano, but in the last 5 years or so, I decided to pick up the electric guitar, then the bass. And now, I’m your heavy metal dream girl. Some of my favorite memories take place in dirty basements during a punk house show. The feeling of a room crowded with people dancing and getting all sweaty and excited gives me the feeling Catholic mass used to give me, if you know what I mean.
Good. Because that girl is me. What’s not erotic about strumming the bass or guitar? Watch my fingers move so swiftly, expertly up and down the frets. Imagine what I could do to you with those strong, nimble fingers and such a steady hand. I get off on looking out into the crowd, watching you watch me: your heavy metal dream girl. Part of why I love playing in a band is because I thrive on attention from groupies like you. Is it so wrong to want fame and notoriety, to be the object of desire for so many ogling, devoted fans? I certainly don’t think so. And it’s more of a compulsion, anyway. I can’t help it that I was born for the stage, to impress and seduce you.
Playing my bass with all the panache death metal musicianship requires makes me feel so alive. And so does having sex with you, making your heavy metal dream girl wishes CUM true. I do vocals, too, by the way. So if you crave that humiliatrix mistress therapy type voice, the “your mother sucks cocks in Hell” or WORSE voice, I am “versatile.” I can’t wait to meet you. And I’m going to stroke you just as enthusiastically as I stroke the strings on my bass, even MORE so!
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